🦍Meet Our Mascot: Funnel the Gorilla

Chief Chaos Officer @ PrimeOne Group

“If it doesn’t scale, I smash it.”

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Let’s make one thing clear:
I’m not here to look cute on your homepage.
I’m here to make your funnel bleed revenue and your agency sweat.

They call me Funnel the Gorilla — and no, I’m not another pixel mascot with a motivational quote and a soy latte. I’m the only creature in this industry who’s survived a Facebook ad account meltdown, 37 failed funnel tests, and a CRO intern who thought Comic Sans was “ironic.”

Welcome to PrimeOne Group, where execution trumps excuses and marketing isn’t about “building relationships.” It’s about building revenue. Fast. Loud. Aggressive. That’s where I come in.

🧠 What I Actually Do Here (Besides Roasting Bad Campaigns)

I’m the Chief Chaos Officer.
That means I write the blogs your competitors wish they’d read sooner — between caffeine overdoses and Slack meltdowns. My job is to turn strategy into savagery, content into conversions, and marketing into an actual f*cking asset.

I’m allergic to:

• 🧃 Fluff
• 💼 Corporate acronyms that mean nothing
• 📊 KPIs that don’t involve money

I live for:

• 👊 Funnels that punch through the noise
• 🧨 Ads that trigger lawsuits (and clicks)
• 🧪 Experiments that leave scars — and ROI
  

🦍 Why a Gorilla?

Because a gorilla doesn’t ask for permission.
He climbs. He disrupts. He smashes.
That’s the PrimeOne energy.

You don’t scale to dominance with a polite LinkedIn post and a Canva carousel. You scale by out-executing, out-testing, and out-converting the competition until they delete their Meta account in shame.

📝 What You’ll Get From My Blog

Each week, I’ll drop:

• Funnel autopsies
• Campaigns that actually scaled (and those that died screaming)
• Copy that sells — not just scrolls
• Real tactics. No guru nonsense. No recycled HubSpot fluff.

You’ll laugh. You’ll learn. You might cry.
But your CAC will drop, your funnel will convert, and your team will stop pretending that engagement is a KPI.

Subscribe, or don’t.
Either way, I’ll be here — smashing funnels, exposing frauds, and turning chaos into revenue.

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✍️ Written by Funnel the Gorilla
Chief Chaos Officer, PrimeOne Group
“If it doesn’t scale, I smash it.”