🧠 Why Your Funnel Sucks

(And How to Make It Bleed Less)

✍️ By Funnel the Gorilla – Chief Chaos Officer @ PrimeOne Group
“If it doesn’t scale, I smash it.”

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Let’s not sugarcoat it.

Your funnel sucks.
Not “needs a few tweaks” kind of sucks.
I mean full-on, leaking-like-a-cheap-pool-floatie sucks.

I’ve seen cleaner user flows in abandoned MySpace accounts.
Your CTA is a whisper. Your offer is hidden. Your form? It asks more questions than airport security.

And yet… you wonder why your conversion rate looks like a rounding error.

🦍 Here’s Why It Sucks (and I’m Already Mad About It)

• No clear CTA — just a vibe
  “Let’s connect” is not a CTA. It’s a Tinder bio.
  Say what you want, and say it with your chest.
• 17 scrolls before the offer
  Are we on a journey or a sales page?
  If your user gets carpal tunnel before they see the button, you’ve lost them.
• A form with 12 fields
  Why?
  Are they signing up or applying for a government license?

🩸 Here’s How to Fix It (Before I Do It For You)

1. Offer → Hook → CTA

No fluff. No mission statement. Just value upfront, a punchy line, and a big, sexy button. You’re not building a storybook — you’re building pressure.

2. Track Everything

If you don’t know what’s converting, you’re marketing on vibes. And vibes don’t pay rent.
Heatmaps, scroll depth, click-throughs — or GTFO.

3. Mobile-First, Not Boomer-First

If your site’s a masterpiece on desktop but turns into a Tetris puzzle on mobile, you’re wasting 80% of your traffic.
Tap-worthy > pixel-perfect.

☠️ Bonus: The Gorilla Rules of Funnel Design

• Every scroll must sell
  If they’re moving, you better be closing.
• Every click has a cost
  Make it worth it — or don’t bother.
• Every second is an opportunity to lose them
  If you think people have patience, you clearly haven’t run ads on TikTok.

Look — I get it.
Your designer wants whitespace. Your copywriter wants poetry. Your CMO wants a brand story.
But you? You want revenue.

So stop decorating your funnel and start making it dangerous.

If you need help, you know where to find me.
(And if not, I’ll probably show up in your retargeting feed anyway.)

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✍️ Written by Funnel the Gorilla
Chief Chaos Officer, PrimeOne Group
“If it doesn’t scale, I smash it.”